I had been trying, for a long time, to influence my friends into coming to Kenya.. and my argument is always 'you will love it..! the people are peaceful the place is beautiful what more could you ask for?" but now I'm choking on those words...I was talking to one of my friends the other day, and i was raving on about how i would have never thought that we would still be fighting and he said ' it wont last long don't worry...we like money and pints too much to fight for long' I was laughing at this of course but something in his words ring true to me. I always thought Kenyans hated confrontation, was always speaking about how many tribes we had and about how we managed to somehow all live together peacefully... i thought we were a great example to other countries in Africa because we somehow managed to live and work together for the greater good and accept each other,I saw a great future for Kenya and i thought we were on the precipice of change; we were just about to become one of the most advanced countries in Africa.. but alas...
I'm sitting watching Kenya and i keep wondering what went wrong? did i just turn a blind eye to the hate? did i convince myself that Kenyans were incapable of violence of hate? because this makes me question everything i believe about my country... how could i be so wrong? I used to think that only 500 people in Kenya really knew what was going on the rest think they do but they are privy to information that isn't as accurate or as complete.. Now i really just don't know what to think.I was homesick... dying to come back to my country... my home... Now I'm not sure, i keep wondering how i can live with this hate, i keep wondering if i just never really knew the people that i spent my whole life loving. This subject is even hard to write on because describing the emotions i experience thinking about this is impossible...I'm shaken to my core and I'm so confused. I dont think i will ever understand. i have cherished my innocent childish dreams about my country and now my naivete has been shattered... which is very sad because there isn't a place i long for more...or a place i miss...Kenya represents everything to me...my dreams were born in Kenya, my thoughts shaped, my love fulfilled... was that all a sham? is there a place to come back to? are the people the same people i knew or are they hate filled animals craving revenge? i not sure i could live with people like that... im not sure i could have for all these years... i dont think Kenyans are like this at all.... I guess this is a life lesson only time will tell...
I pray for peace...but i wonder will it ever end? i hope my country is still holding her proud face up but i wonder if we can be proud of this...?
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